The role of the victim…
- “Why always me?”
- “What have I done to deserve this?”
- “Everyone’s after me!”
The role of victim is like a drug. It’s quickly addictive, gives a brief “feeling of wellbeing” and ruins your whole life.
Am I a victim?
The short answer is yes you are! If you are asking yourself this question, the chances are very high that you are actually a victim. Why?
Because it’s a typical victim question.
Being a victim is a decision and whoever chooses not to be a victim simply does not ask this question.
Yes, you read that right. You choose to be a victim of your own free will.
But since the subject is very complex, let’s take a look at 6 distinct characteristics that a typical victim role has.
- “It always hits me…”
- “I am haunted by bad luck…”
- “What have I done to deserve this…”
- “Everything I do goes wrong…”
Whining, complaining, howling… Self-pity is a sure sign that someone is in a victim role.
Victims focus on their suffering and forget about all positive things.
Victims only see the negative and feel helpless and at the mercy of fate. Since they appreciate so little, they are usually ungrateful too.
Such people often feel “abandoned” by everyone and everything. It would never occur to them in a dream that they would drive away their surroundings themselves with their complacent manner.
“Always” and “never” therefore also belong to the basic vocabulary of victims, in the sense of “you always ignore me” or “you never listen to me”.
Victims are also usually quickly taken over by their feelings. Female victims generally tend to grieve and male victims to anger. To relate everything to themselves, to quickly feel personally attacked, and to continue putting themselves down is what distinguishes many victims.
Victims like to blame “a higher power”, “the one up there” or generally everyone else who’s responsible for their misfortune, which leads us to the next clear characteristic of the victim’s attitude, assigning blame…
2. Assigning blame
- “The children ruined my day…”
- “Because of these bunglers, I don’t get any further in my job…”
- “If I had had a better childhood, I could have achieved something too…”
The government, the neighbors, the weather… everyone is to blame for their own misfortune, just not oneself.
Victims always find a culprit.
- You are representing a colleague at work and have an accident on the way there. If you hadn’t had to stand in for your colleague, it wouldn’t have come to that, would it?
- You get a serious illness and end up in the hospital.
Playing around on your cell phone while driving and having been chain smoking for 40 years certainly have nothing to do with any of this.
People who like to blame others for their situation often feel disadvantaged, are quickly disappointed, and let others feel this at every opportunity. Nagging and knowing are therefore also popular leisure activities of victims.
They are also masters at letting their own responsibility roll off like drops of water on a lotus leaf. Have you ever noticed that some people always speak of themselves in the first person when something positive is at stake?
But if they are asked about their overweight, their bad graduation, the chain-smoking or something other negatives for which they are responsible of, they change the perspective to the second person “you”.
- “You are seduced everywhere.”
- “You just had bad company.”
- “You quickly become dependent on it.”
There are always circumstances that you can seek and blame. And that is the next clear characteristic that a victim uses which is excuses…
- “If it weren’t for my illness, then I could finally…”
- “I should leave the bastard, but then I would be on my own…”
- “I really want to do sports, but the weather has just been too bad in the last few weeks…”
No time, no support, no motivation… by far the greatest talent of victims is finding excuses.
Doers find a way. Victims find excuses.
The decision-making is so hard for these people at least as admitting weakness. They cannot and don’t want to commit themselves because they shy away from responsibility if they should make the wrong decision.
Additionally, victims are true masters at the misunderstanding. Partly unconsciously, but often quite consciously. No matter how watertight you argue, they only hear what they want to hear. Non-binding conversations suddenly turn into firm promises and factual arguments into personal attacks in no time at all. The experts call this “hearing something with the relationship ear”. Especially people in the role of victim use this scheme constantly to seemingly “strengthen” their position.
Lies are also part of the victim’s repertoire. It starts with white lies and small whispers and increases to massive webs of lies. Before anyone else, victims lie to themselves the most and are reluctant to grapple with their mistakes.
Accordingly, victims often tend to exaggerate. Making an elephant out of a mosquito is often used to distract you from the real facts to catch your attention.
- “I’ll bring the rubbish down later…”
- “I’ll start doing sport tomorrow…”
- “I’ll quit smoking next month, the tobacco-box is still half full anyway…”
After, later, next year… Victims love to put off uncomfortable things or just let them completely be.
Originally posted on Medium